Saturday, September 24, 2005

Take on life

Today, after getting a new car, I decided to go out driving. While driving about I stopped in by some old friends. I'm kind of wished I hadnt now.

Things always change in life. People change, situations change...I know this but you always cling to the thought that it'll be just how it was. Some of my friends have started taking more drugs than they did before and if you're not doing the same as them, then you're an outsider. Cast to the side. Left alone until you either do the same or walk away. Today, I walked away...again and I'm actually heartbroken about it. My friends and I have been through so much over the years. One in particular, Michelle, who took me in when I was homeless, gave me the support I needed when my dad died, when my mum and I stopped communicating, when I was at my lowest and needed to seek help. The one person who I helped overcome countless amount of miscarriages, her drink problem, her abuse problem from when she was a child, her kids being taken away from her for awhile. Then trying to helping her come off Heroin. I tried on 4 separate occasions to help her get clean and she kept going back, till she finally told me not to help her anymore. Should I have stayed and been the rock she needed? Am I to blame for now being an outsider because I actually walked away when she asked me to?

I know I dont want to be mixed up in their drug scene again. I've done my share of drugs over the years. I didnt want to get back into that but I shouldnt be punished for that, should I? I'm only human after all. I cried in my car for awhile because of it all. I lost part of my heart tonight. What is this shit you're probably asking? It's how I think. It's who I am. Minus my one solid rock...Michelle


LuNaMooN said...

Hon, you can't blame yourself for not staying. You've helped her on countless occasions, there's only so much you can do before you have no choice but to walk away. No one can help another out if they don't want to be helped, as much as we'd like to. And yes, its heartbreaking to see the ones you love spiral down into something they can't get out of. Unfortunately, all we can do is sit back and let them deal with it in the only way they can. By themselves. It might sound heartless, but you come to a point where it's all you can do. But I do feel for you hon. It's not easy giving up on someone who's been your lifeline over the years. It's like losing part of yourself. But hopefully one day that part will come back. We just have to live in hope.

-hugs you-

nenni said...

i thought leaving her alone when she asked me to would have maybe helped. She might have done something about things herself but she got worse..into crack, selling herself, losing her kids for good. Not even someone dying in front of her helped any...I know I'm actually best off being away from her and stuff and hopefully one day we can be close again. Just hurts like hell. More so the fact that I walked out of her house. She would have normally called me and stuff to see where I had gone..If I carry on, I'll cry again.

-hugs back tight- =(

LuNaMooN said...

but that's the thing with addicts. The drugs are the only thing that matters in their lives. I've seen the same thing happen to a girl I grew up with, she's only a year older than me, and she honestly looks like she's in her 50's. The drugs have totally fucked her up, and that's all she cares about. Her kids run amok, one of them has just started to light fires in abandoned houses. Yet no one does anything about it. She's been in rehab countless times, yet always goes back. Because like you said, if you're not in with the crowd, you're nothing. And that's who they go back to after drying out. The old crowd. My cousin's in jail because of his heroin addiction. He comes out, starts hanging around with his old mates, and he's back on it. To feed his addiction, he robs petrol stations. And gets caught. So hon, I may sound like a bitch, but you dont wanna get hooked up with that kind of stuff. I for one would miss you terribly!

nenni said...

no no. you dont sound like a bitch at all. I know actually what you're talking about. I did some drugs before I met Michelle but I cleaned up. I'm surprised myself that I didnt fall back into it when my dad died but no matter how much times the drugs were right there, I would never touch it. 1) I dont have the money to grow another habit 2) it didnt interest me and 3) I saw the mess it would leave Michelle in. She would cheat on John (a really great guy) got pregnant by others...didnt tell him everything. I would miss you too, sweetie. I'll never go down that road again. I seriously know what you're saying and it all makes sense