Monday, January 16, 2006

Self Harm

I've been asked to write a post about a very serious topic that someone very very close to me has been effected by. I wont say in this post who it is. If anyone would like to know, then you can ask me personally.

"Most of my life, I have been a very level headed person, took everything that was thrown at me with a pinch of salt and been very outgoing with other people. Something happened to me a few years ago, that threw that all up in the air and made me question who is was and why I was here. Suddenly, my attitude changed and it seemed others attitudes towards me changed too. I was hurting inside so much and no one close to me seemed to understand. I cant recall the first time I took a blade to my arm and cut myself, but after that day, I would cut myself every week or two but then it became every few days and then every day. I started to realise that some of my friends were just using me for money and because I had a car and for some reason, I couldnt say anything about it. So because of this, I would cut myself. My mum would leave me for weeks to bugger off somewhere with her boyfriend. I really needed her but she didnt seem to care, which made me cut myself. Taking a blade to my arm didnt make everything better in the long run but it made ME feel better about things. It was a release for me. The pain and blood was my release from the bad shit."

"Not one person knew what I was doing. For a whole year I would wear jumpers/sweaters to cover my arms, I wouldnt let people touch me, I sometimes wouldnt even go outside. I would end up with really deep cuts but I wouldnt ask for help. I would patch them up as best I could and then act as if I were normal. The day people found out, was the day I was kicked out by my mum. I went to stay with some good friends and forgot to cover my arm up when I went to the kitchen. They begged me to seek help and I said I would but I didnt. I carried on self harming. I finally realised that it wasnt helping me. That I needed real help. So I went to the doctor. Since then, I've never looked back. I havent self harmed in over 3 years but let me tell you...it's hard as hell not to go down that road again. I've learned that if things get really hard for me, if I feel that I really need to cut my arm..that I should find something else to take my mind off it. A good way is to either put on a comedy dvd or switch the PS2 on. Sometimes even reading a book can help wonders."

"Anyone reading this that self harms or knows someone who does, tell them to get help but remember..They have to want the help. You cant force someone to clean themselves up. You need to be there to support them as much as you can! I've had people tell me that what I did was 'pathetic' and 'stupid'. That's not anyone wants to hear, let alone someone who self harms. Those words made me worse. I'm including some links for sites that can help people. If you self harm, please read them. You'll realise that you're not alone. There are millions for people like you out there. I was one. I still am, in a way. Learn about it and understand it. It just might help you."

UK: Self Harm Info, Self Harm Links, Online Self Injury Help, The National Self Harm Network
America: selfinjury.com, selfinjury.org
Australia: Better Health
New Zealand: headspace.org
(if anyone would like to talk with me about it all, you can either leave a comment here or email me at nenni@stormirc.net)

8 comments:

Anarchy said...

Great post

DaNi3L said...

I've had people tell me that what I did was 'pathetic' and 'stupid'. That's not anyone wants to hear, let alone someone who self harms. Those

those words may not be helpfull to most people that cut themselves true, but some people it's all they need cause some people do this just to get attention and if they get the wrong attention they eventully learn it don't work

but yeah it depends on the person

nenni said...

Most likely if someone is self harming for attention then they dont need the proper help that other self harmers do. Might be harsh but people who do cut themselves dont do it and then tell people about it. It's kept a secret for years. I know someone who cuts her arm so that people feel sorry for her. She'll call and tell you straight after doing it. I've got no time for people like that because people like that make other people think everyone does it for attention. When that's not really the case.

Kunstemæcker said...

I appreciate these honest words of yours.

Michele said...

This was a great post, Jen. I'm happy that you put it on our blog for others to read. Maybe someone will be able to find help because of it.

Cat said...

I have been 'SI' free for a year now as of February 14th. It's a big anniversary for me and yet stressful too.

I found out the cycle. It was shame=guilt=worthlessness=self-harm then I felt ashamed and would do it again.

I've tried to break the cycle. I will continue.

Thank you for sharing this story. It's important others know that there's help and healing.

LuNaMooN said...

Congratulations, Cat. It must have been, and still is, hard for you. Never having experienced self harm myself, or know anyone that has, I can see it as an addiction type illness. And like any addiction, it will always stay with you. That's why I feel so proud for you, and for the person in Nenni's post, for coming to terms with it. Never easy, I cant begin to imagine. But you're both amazing people.

Spitting said...

Thank you for an interesting and honest post.