Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Domestic Violence

Ok, Jen did one on self-harming so now it is my turn.

I have come across a lot of people stating that they feel no sympathy for women who stay in abusive relationships. I want to give a little insite into why they stay in the abusive relationships and then maybe people will stop and think before the speak about something they know nothing about.

In an abusive relationship, the woman is constantly told how ugly and stupid she is, and also that no other man is gonna want someone as fucked up as she is. She is told she can't do anything right and that everything that happens to her or her family is all her fault whether she has any control over the situation or not. Example: The man is late to work, it is her fault because she should of gotten him up earlier. There is no more money for the rest of the week, it is her fault because she went to the grocery store with $20 for groceries for the week and spent the whole $20. After a few years of listening to things like that on a daily basis, she starts to mentally believe what the man says.

Also, women who stay in abusive relationships most times have children and feel that they can't leave because they have no where to go. Which come to find out if very true. While trying to get over my relationship with my ex, I have found out a few things. Unless you have family or very close friends to help you, more than likely you will end up going back to the abusive man. You ask why? Here is why...

Yes, there are shelters that the females can go to with their children, but once they get there, they are required to go to all these appointments and meetings, which they have to either take their children or find a babysitter. Now, how are you going to find a babysitter if you are at a shelter and how are you gonna take your child on a job interview?! There is no accommodations for child care when the mother is trying to find ways to get back on her feet.

Now to the job thing...
Most abusive woman are not allowed to work. It is a control factor for the man. As long as she can't work, she never has her own money and working also helps make a woman feel independent of men. So, if she hasn't worked, she has no references or job experience and ends up having to find a low paying job which most times isn't enough to live off of.

There is low income housing, but in some cases, the female cannot get that because they won't offer low income housing to anyone with negative credit. Sometimes the man makes the female run up bad credit in her name, and when it comes time to try to get housing, she can't because she was never able to pay that credit off.

While, you may sit there and say Women who go back to their abusers are stupid, the woman on the other hand feels that atleast I had a roof over my head and food to eat for my children...I'm going back because I can't make it out here on my own. In all honesty, there is not much help for a female with children to try to break away from domestic violence, unless she has family and friends who are willing to support and stand by her.

I just thought I would share some of that with all of you.

8 comments:

nenni said...

A very frank and interesting post! There needs to be more help for domestic abuse. It's the same here...not enough but they've stepped up on it and are making it a lot better for abused women and men. it's about damn time too!

DaNi3L said...

yes I already knew all this but i still say these females need to learn how to take control and if they can't due to the mentality weakness they have, they best hope they got friends that will help them

nenni said...

It's not easy for them to take control though, Daniel. It's all easy saying they should but try being in that situation yourself and dont say "you wouldnt let yourself be in that position"...most females have said that and ended up being abused. It's not as easy as 1,2,3

DaNi3L said...

hence why i said if they can't they best hope they got friends to help them

nenni said...

Most probably dont have friends. Abusive husbands tend to stop their wives from having any form of relationship with others

DaNi3L said...

well then they are screwed

Michele said...

Exactly my point, Danny.

Most men slowly take the friends and the family out of the woman's life causing her to feel all alone and helpless, and any agencies that do say they help aren't much help at all.

Forty_Two said...

As someone who grew up in a disfunctional family, perhaps I can offer some advice:

Before you go on that first date, carefully observe how your potential partner behaves toward other men. Abusers tend to be alpha males, or alpha wannabes. If he shows the slightest bit of anger when challenged or questioned by other men, or if he is automatically obeyed and never challenged, then treat him like an unexploded landmine. He's a fucking asshole and there is no better description of him.

Sorry for my language, but there is a book that might help. Look up Nice Guys Don't Get Laid in Amazon.com and you'll see what I mean.