Couple of jokes

Just a couple of jokes for you all.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used."

_____________________________________________________________________

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some? I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake?"

PCOS - Polycystic ovarian syndrome

I want to take this time to highlight something that is close to my heart, and that's PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome). I've posted about it before because I was going through some tests to see if my problems were caused by PCOS. My next doctors appointment will most likely have the outcome for being told I 100% have PCOS. I'm making this post so that other women might recognise some of the symptoms and then seek help and tests. So here goes. Please read carefully and if anything in this post rings true to you, then please seek help from the doctor.

Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), also known by the name Stein-Leventhal syndrome, is a hormonal problem that causes women to have a variety of symptoms. Some of the symptoms include:

* absent or infrequent periods (oligomenorrhoea): a common symptom of PCOS. Periods can be as frequent as every five to six weeks, but might only occur once or twice a year, if at all.

* increased facial and body hair (hirsutism): usually found under the chin, on the upper lip, forearms, lower legs and on the abdomen (usually a vertical line of hair up to the umbilicus).

* acne: usually found only on the face.

* infertility: infrequent or absent periods are linked with very occasional ovulation, which significantly reduces the likelihood of conceiving.

* overweight/obesity: a common finding in women with PCOS because their body cells are resistant to the sugar-control hormone insulin. This insulin resistance prevents cells using sugar in the blood normally and the sugar is stored as fat instead.

* miscarriage (sometimes recurrent): one of the hormonal abnormalities in PCOS, a raised level of luteinising hormone (LH - a hormone produced by the brain that affects ovary function), seems to be linked with miscarriage. Women with raised LH have a higher miscarriage rate (65 per cent of pregnancies end in miscarriage) compared with those who have normal LH values (around 12 per cent miscarriage rate).

Any of the above symptoms and signs may be absent with the exception of irregular or no periods. All women with PCOS will have irregular or no menses. Women who have PCOS do not regularly ovulate; that is, they do not release an egg every month. This is why they do not have regular periods. No one is quite sure what causes PCOS. However, the ovaries of women with PCOS frequently contain a number of small cysts, hence the name poly (many) cystic ovarian syndrome. A similar number of cysts may occur in women without PCOS. Therefore, the cysts themselves do not seem to be the cause of the problem. A malfunction of the body's blood sugar control system (insulin system) is frequent in women with PCOS. The result is an inadequate response to insulin (insulin resistance) that can lead to abnormally elevated blood sugar (glucose) levels. The insuliin disturbance is thought to also be the trigger for the development of symptoms such as acne and excess hair growth that is seen with PCOS.

The diagnosis is based on the patient's symptoms and physical appearance. If the diagnosis seems likely because the patient's history contains many of the symptoms described already, certain investigations are done to provide confirmatory evidence or to indicate another cause for the symptoms. These include:

* Blood tests such as
- Female Sex Hormones (at a certain point in the cycle if possible)
- Male Sex Hormones
- Glucose
- Thyroid Function Tests
- Other Hormones, eg Prolactin
* Ultrasound Examination

Your own GP can do the initial blood investigations, ensuring they are carried out at the correct time of the cycle if appropriate. Your GP may be able to arrange an ultrasound scan. Once the diagnosis is made, nothing more needs to be done for some women, eg if their fertility is not an issue, if their weight is within normal limits, and if they do not have excess body hair. If any of the symptoms are an issue, then further advice and treatment, and possibly specialist referral is needed.

PCOS often comes to light during puberty due to period problems, which affects around 75% of those with the disease. Infrequent, irregular or absent periods are all common variations, many finding their periods particularly heavy when they do arrive. The period disturbance is a sign that there is a problem with regular monthly ovulation. So just why do your periods go out of whack when you suffer from PCOS? The main culprit is hormonal imbalance

If you recognise two or more of these symptoms in yourself, make an appointment with your health care provider to investigate whether you may have PCOS. While a cure for PCOS has yet to be found, effective treatment for these symptoms is available.

Virginia Tech Shootings

Cho Seung-hui, the student who killed 33 people; including himself, on Monday sent a package to the US TV network NBC News on the day of the shootings. The package contained "disturbing" photographs, video and writings, NBC said, apparently sent between the two rounds of killings.

Two people were killed at the West Ambler Johnston Hall, a university dormitory, at 0715 on Monday. Two hours later Cho killed 30 others, plus himself, at the Norris Hall complex across campus. Authorities have not yet linked the 23-year-old to any of those he killed. Cho was admitted to a mental health unit in late 2005. He was sent for evaluation after two female students made complaints against him. You can read the full story here. You'll also find links to key stories about the shooting on this page.

80's Movie clips

Yes, people. It's back. The clips of movies we all know/love/need to watch from the 80's. Today's clip is of the uber famous John Hughes' The Breakfast Club from 1985. If you havent heard or seen this movie then where the hell have you been?!

Starring Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall, Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy the movie is about 5 kids who are thrown together by Saturday morning detention. Each begins to see the others apart from their stereotypes. Andrew, the jock; Brian, the geek; John, the wastoid; Claire, the popular Prom Queen; and Allison, the psycho girl; each finds qualities about the others that make the Saturday morning change their lives. An excellent watch and must have for any movie collection. I've picked a clip of the famous dance scene in the library. One which has been copied by near enough everyone at some point in their lives or career. Enjoy the clip and may it bring back memories.

There's links at the bottom to the past clips I've posted so far of 80's movies.



Monster Squad
Pump Up The Volume
Beetlejuice
Adventures in Babysitting
Spaceballs

Feel

I wanted to post lyrics for a song sung by Robbie Williams. It pretty much sums up my last few days and how I've been feeling..

Feel

Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I´ve been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don´t understand

I just want to feel real love
Fill the home that I live in
Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste

I don´t want to die
But I ain´t keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I´m preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That´s why I keep on running
Before I´ve arrived
I can see myself coming

I just want to feel real love
Fill the home that I live in
Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel real love
And a life ever after
I cannot get enough

I just want to feel real love
Fill the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste
I just wanna feel real love
In a life ever after
There´s a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It´s a real big place

Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I´ve been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand

Missing shopping

Isnt it annoying when you get home from food shopping and realise that one thing you really needed, one thing that would keep you from going insane, the one thing that would stop you being bitten to death isnt in your shopping bag? No? Only me then?

The one thing that would keep me alive is biscuits for my cat pyper. If she doesnt have her biscuits, then my life isnt worth living till she does. I'm not kidding either. She can be evil, and she wont settle for any other biscuits other than Whiskas Temptations Beef flavour.

Now you may think that I just clear forgot to buy them but I didnt! I would have bought them if it hadnt been for the old guy in the dairy cream cake aisle. IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! His and a songs fault. Infact...His, the songs and ASDA shopping stores fault. While walking around picking up things I needed, I noticed they were playing the song You Raise Me Up. I hate this song even on a good day. So imagine my horror when I reached the dairy cream aisle and was interupted by an old guy WHISTLING the song over and over. I couldn't think. I couldn't decide what I needed and the cat food thought left my head and wondered off on it's own. If it hadn't been for that old guy and his crap whistling of a crap song, then I would have remembered the cat biscuits. Now I have to make sure I dont walk about my apartment. Pyper is on the prowl and I'd like to keep my legs!

Always a bad word

Two words were evil to me...TRAFFIC WARDENS !

..but not anymore (for now anyway). My change of heart? Last sunday evening, while driving home from my mothers, I was annoyed to learn that I had a puncture. I kept my cool though because unlike some women, I know how to change a car tyre. My dad tought me when I was younger. Anywho...I got the stuff I needed out of the boot/trunk and then I was smacked in the face with a slipper. Kind of. I noticed that I didnt have a wrench to help get the bolts/nuts off. My smiles soon faded. After a few phonecalls someone came to help me but it turned out their wrench was too big. To cut the story a little...I had to leave my car overnight but it was parked in a permit zone. Now I'm starting to worry.

I called the police to ask for advice and was told I would have to call the council. 8:20am the next morning I was on the phone talking with the traffic warden department. They very kindly told me that the car would be cool where it was parked but only for one day. I wouldn't get a single parking ticket and they held their word. When I finally got back to the car, there was no parking tickets at all. So for now I'm cool with traffic wardens. I shall say no more bad words about them (until a chance passes by of them issuing me with a ticket)

Oh. I got the tyre changed, btw. Everything is cool!

Pictures from Scotland

This is a new thing I've decided to do. Me and my camera are traveling. We're on a quest. A quest of great importance. We're taking pictures of Castles/Manor Houses/Anything historic in Scotland.

I decided to start this because I found it hard to find pictures of places to show Luna. I mean, you can find some pictures but some are very limited. My pictures are not bad. They're not great but at least it shows you different things about each place.

So far I've got pics of Glenbuchat Castle which is located on a bluff above the River Don in Aberdeenshire. It was built in 1590 for John Gordon of Cairnbarrow and his wife Helen on the occasion of their wedding. You can read more about the castle here.

I always have pictures of Leith Hall in Aberdeenshire. Leith Hall was built by the Leith family in 1650 and remained in the Leith-Hay family until 1945. There were extensions added to Leith Hall in 1738, 1810 and in 1904. It was built on the site of the medieval Peill Castle. You can read more about Leith Hall here, and you can also read about their ghosts! I've not been inside Leith Hall yet. It wasnt open for visitors but when it is, I'll be adding more pictures.

I hope people enjoy looking at the pictures as much as I did taking them. Loads more historic places to come. So keep checking back for updates. There is a listing on the side of the blog to everywhere I've taken pictures of.

It's about time

I'm finally getting home tomorrow. I cant bloody wait. It's been too long in coming. Any longer left in this place and I might end up going crazy.

I can finally get things moving on here too. Not liking the page rank going down!

80's Movies

Yet again I'm back with another classic 80's movie for your viewing pleasure. All the movies that I loved in the 80's will be brought to you here. I hope they bring back fond memories. They do to me and that's why I own a lot of them on dvd!

Past movies are Monster Squad, Pump Up The Volume, Beetlejuice, Adventures in Babysitting.

Today I'm taking you back to 1987 and the movie Spaceballs. Staring Mel Brooks, Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, Daphne Zuniga and John Candy. The planet Spaceball, home planet of the evil Spaceballs is running out of air and the planet's ruler President Skroob (Brooks) has devised a evil scheme, where he plans to steal the air from the atmosphere of the peaceful planet Druidia. When Druidia's ruler King Roland's beautiful daughter Princess Vespa (Zuniga) and her loyal droid Dot Matrix flees from Druidia during her wedding to Prince Valium, The evil commander of the Spaceball fleet, Dark Helmet (Moranis) captures Princess Vespa so King Roland will be forced to give them the access code to the defense shield surrounding planet Druidia. But heroic space pilot Lone Starr (Pullman) and his sidekick, Barf (Candy) (A Mog half man-half Dog) comes to Princess Vespa's rescue. With help from wise and powerful master of the magic ring "The Schwartz" Yogurt, Lone Starr, Barf, Dot and Princess Vespa set out to save Druida and foil Dark Helmet and President Scroob's scheme and prevent them from stealing the air from Druidia.

A brilliant comedy and well worth the watch. It makes fun of certain parts of Star Wars and you'll never be short of laughs. Enjoy the clip. It's the best I could find, sorry.

I'm sorry

Dear uncle,

Today your life changed. Today became the beginning of the end. I've thought about all the times we've talked and laughed but I can't help but feel a complete bastard.
Ever since my Dad died, we've seen less of each other. All the times I've had nothing to do and never once did I come to see you. I've wasted so much time on all the wrong things.
I should have had the right piece of mind to spend more time with you.
I should have insisted that I do your shopping for you.
I should have made you more cups of coffee and toast while I've been with you.
I should have talked to you about my feelings of everything.
And most of all...I should have told you I love you a lot more than I have done.

I cried today. I couldn't help but cry but then I wondered to myself. Do I really have the right to cry as much as I did? Did I cry more because memories of the day my dad told me he had cancer came flooding back to me? And does this make me selfish? The more I thought of it, I realised the answer is no. I'm not selfish and yes. I have the right to bawl my eyes out if I want to because, you see, I don't have to tell you every day that I love you because you know I love you with all my heart. You've been in my thoughts every day. Could have been just for 2-3 minutes at a time but I still thought of you and why did I do that? The answer is simple. You are like a father to me...in my heart. Maybe not in the physical but in the mental way of me thinking.

You've been through so much in your life and you've kept smiling. You've never let your disability stop you from showing your true colours. A man who laughed in the face of every virus you caught, every obstacle that came your way. I know that you are smiling through all this even though inside your heart is breaking. I feel truely honoured to have had someone like you in my life, to have known your life, to have had you as an uncle (even though you're not really an uncle). My Dad always said that you were the best person he had ever known and now I understand why. I still feel like a bastard because it's taken the news that you're dying to make me realise this.

I hope in your heart you can forgive me for not being there like I should have. I hope you can forgive me for being selfish. I hope you can forgive me for not burning your toast enough when I did make it for you. I love you with every piece of my heart. Always have and I always will, and I'm going to make sure you know I do. This isnt the beginning of the end. It's the start of another life of you fishing with my Dad in his little cottage with a stream at the bottom of the garden. He'll have made sure it's full of every fish you ever wanted to catch but couldnt. You'll laugh and joke about the days you both drove taxis for the same firm. He'll take care of you till we all meet again and when that day comes, you'll tell me you heard my message to you. I'll be telling it to you every day for only you and my dad to hear.

Till that day, I'm going to see you as much as I can manage. I'm going to try and make up for every single minute I missed with you. I truly am sorry!

Love you,

Jenni xxxx

-I wanted to write this letter for my Uncle who is dying of lung cancer and doesnt have much time left.

Lunar Eclipse

Lastnight I braved the cold weather to stand outside and take pictures of the Lunar Eclipse (that's a picture I took at the side). It was amazing to watch and I wish I took more pictures after 12am. The eclipse began at 2018 GMT, with the Moon totally immersed in the shadow of the Earth between 2244 and 2358 GMT. It was the first total Lunar Eclipse in more than 3 years.


I took other pictures than just these two. pic 3, pic 4, pic 5, pic 6, pic 7, pic 8. The last 2 pictures might be best viewed either standing up a little or tilting your screen (if you have a laptop) I think I did pretty well considering that I'm still learning how to use my camera and I don't have a large lense to help me with long distance viewing. Hope you like them.

You can read about the Lunar Eclipse and see more pictures taken by others (much much better than mine) here.

Desktop

A change of desktop was long overdue and here I am showing off my new pic. It's of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost who star in....you guessed it (from the screenshot) Hot Fuzz!

Joke of the day

A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample.

He turns up 2 days later with the jar empty

Nurse asks "Why no sample?"
He says "Sorry, but I tried with my right hand and then my left. My wife tried with both hands, her mouth, then with her teeth in and with them out. Ethel from next door tried but it was all no good. We just could not get the fucking lid off the jar!"

79th Academy Awards - The Results

Here are the results of the 79th Academy Awards that took place lastnight at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles.

Best picture
WINNER: The Departed
Babel
Letters From Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Best director
WINNER: Martin Scorsese, The Departed
Clint Eastwood, Letters From Iwo Jima
Stephen Frears, The Queen
Paul Greengrass, United 93
Alejandro Gonzales Inarritu, Babel

Best actor
WINNER: Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland
Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole, Venus
Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness

Best actress
WINNER: Helen Mirren, The Queen
Penelope Cruz, Volver
Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet, Little Children

Best animated feature film
WINNER: Happy Feet
Cars
Monster House

Best visual effects
WINNER: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Poseidon
Superman Returns

You can read the rest of the results here.

What piffle !

Before anyone says anything about me using the word piffle..

n.
Foolish or futile talk or ideas; nonsense.

Got that over and done with.

After spending over a month stuck at my mothers, I finally got to go home this tuesday passed. It was bliss! I could do what I want, not clean up, slob about and I got to sit on a comfy seat while surfing the t'internet. My dream was then snatched from me like a kid with a Mr Potato Head stolen by the school bullies. I had to come back to my mums 2 days after getting home because the car she bought decided to die on her. Just like her other jeep AND my little car that she broke.

It was clear to see that I was not impressed and after bitching about it I was told "You should feel lucky to be going back to your mums. At least you'll get proper meals." WHAT PIFFLE!! The only reason I get proper cooked meals here is because I end up cooking them. "You'll enjoy yourself at your mums. You always say you do." again...WHAT PIFFLE!! I enjoy myself here when I have transport but because my mum is always working, she has the car. So what do I have to do? I have to sit inside the house that's in the middle of the country and watch after the puppy from hell, I have to feed the chickens from hell and then clean up the house from hell. Where's the fun in that, I ask ya?

I'm going home on tuesday no matter what anyone says. I'm going into see a great movie on wednesday (reviewed a few posts below), I have a hospital appointment I cant miss and I want to sleep in my own bed. Can anyone blame me? Would anyone sue me for wanting to be alone in my own flat, in my own bed, on my own computer and on my comfy chair? NO. NO ONE CAN and if anyone would like to try, I'd say bring it on. Annoying a Scottish girl with no transport is like you sticking a mars bar in your arse and running past a rottweiler, for it then to chase you down the road. That's just asking for trouble