Monday, March 05, 2007

I'm sorry

Dear uncle,

Today your life changed. Today became the beginning of the end. I've thought about all the times we've talked and laughed but I can't help but feel a complete bastard.
Ever since my Dad died, we've seen less of each other. All the times I've had nothing to do and never once did I come to see you. I've wasted so much time on all the wrong things.
I should have had the right piece of mind to spend more time with you.
I should have insisted that I do your shopping for you.
I should have made you more cups of coffee and toast while I've been with you.
I should have talked to you about my feelings of everything.
And most of all...I should have told you I love you a lot more than I have done.

I cried today. I couldn't help but cry but then I wondered to myself. Do I really have the right to cry as much as I did? Did I cry more because memories of the day my dad told me he had cancer came flooding back to me? And does this make me selfish? The more I thought of it, I realised the answer is no. I'm not selfish and yes. I have the right to bawl my eyes out if I want to because, you see, I don't have to tell you every day that I love you because you know I love you with all my heart. You've been in my thoughts every day. Could have been just for 2-3 minutes at a time but I still thought of you and why did I do that? The answer is simple. You are like a father to my heart. Maybe not in the physical but in the mental way of me thinking.

You've been through so much in your life and you've kept smiling. You've never let your disability stop you from showing your true colours. A man who laughed in the face of every virus you caught, every obstacle that came your way. I know that you are smiling through all this even though inside your heart is breaking. I feel truely honoured to have had someone like you in my life, to have known your life, to have had you as an uncle (even though you're not really an uncle). My Dad always said that you were the best person he had ever known and now I understand why. I still feel like a bastard because it's taken the news that you're dying to make me realise this.

I hope in your heart you can forgive me for not being there like I should have. I hope you can forgive me for being selfish. I hope you can forgive me for not burning your toast enough when I did make it for you. I love you with every piece of my heart. Always have and I always will, and I'm going to make sure you know I do. This isnt the beginning of the end. It's the start of another life of you fishing with my Dad in his little cottage with a stream at the bottom of the garden. He'll have made sure it's full of every fish you ever wanted to catch but couldnt. You'll laugh and joke about the days you both drove taxis for the same firm. He'll take care of you till we all meet again and when that day comes, you'll tell me you heard my message to you. I'll be telling it to you every day for only you and my dad to hear.

Till that day, I'm going to see you as much as I can manage. I'm going to try and make up for every single minute I missed with you. I truly am sorry!

Love you,

Jenni xxxx

-I wanted to write this letter for my Uncle who is dying of lung cancer and doesnt have much time left.

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