Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Happy families?

About 10 years ago, my mother decided that she didnt want to be in her relationship with my father. She left to be with a guy that I know beat her but whom she claimed she loved. 5 years later, my father died of cancer (I'm painting a picture here before I carry on)...

These past 10 years I've looked at my friend's and their families, and often wondered what happened to mine. Why it had all gone wrong, and why it felt like it was punishment for a wrong doing of ours. I had not long turned 18 and to be honest, I was not that wise to the world around me. So I'm not surprised that I blamed it all on a higher being. I now realise that my mother just wasnt happy. She still loved my father and still does but she was young when they married, and he was the only guy she had ever dated. After a year of not talking with my mother, I took a big swallow of pride and patched things up as best I could (I still think she hasnt forgiven me for hitting her the night she left). My father tried everything he could to get her back but when she finally did, she only lasted a week. In my father's last days in this world, she found peace with him. He couldnt talk very much but you could tell that he had forgiven all. The one person who couldnt forgive, and still hasnt, is my grandma (my mother's mum)

Where am I going with this?.... These past few days, I've spent a lot of time with my grandma. While christmas shopping with her, I borrowed her mobile to call my mother. These numbers have stored in my gran's phone, so it was only a matter of time before she made the mistake of thinking that the number belonged to a friend of hers. She's called my mother on 3 separate occasions and who's been to blame? ME of course. I'm 27 now and I feel like I'm a teenager on the verge of being grounded at home. I've been through a lot of shit in the past 10 years and I'm still not on the right road to being 'normal'. My gran cant see why I talk with my mother. The reason is that when I hit rock bottom, when I ended up in court on a GBH charge, when I was admitted to hospital, when I really felt so fucking low in my life, the only two people there for me were my friend Michelle and my mother. Even when she threw me out of my father's house, even when I stole money from her adding up to over £500, she still couldnt cut the strings. She didnt turn her back on me.

It really pisses me off that after everything, my gran still gives me hassle for talking to my mother. I sit and wish for that perfect family. A family with a limited amount of hassle. I would settle for just a brother who wasnt a prick (like my two step brothers) Maybe if my little brother had not have died, I wouldnt worry so much. I would at least have someone in the family to turn to. My family has never been that big. I only have one blood cousin, who has taken it upon herself to cut me from her life. Wishing for that perfect family is so fucking stupid because I know that no family is perfect. I know there are always going to be family problems. If anyone says they have that perfect family, I swear, they are bullshitting themselves! Even knowing all this, I still do wish for a family better than mine. I just needed to rant. Today just really hacked me off and I felt I had to do this. For the sake of my own sanity.

5 comments:

Michele said...

I don't have the perfect family either. My mother and I barely talk and when we do it is very emotionally distant.

Instead of dwelling on my childhood and my family, I have decided to move on and raise Jade and Krystal to live in a different kind of enviroment. Yes, we argue at times. What family doesn't? But I am there to cuddle and hold Jade, and talk to Krystal when she needs to talk and sometimes have her open up even when she acts like she doesn't want to. I will always be there for both of them no matter what. Neither of them will be raised like I was.

nenni said...

When I have children I'll raise them the way my dad raised me. I wont put them through all the shit my gran outs me through. fuck that

LuNaMooN said...

Hun, big families arent that good. We come from a huge extended family. They all bitch and carry on like pork chops. My mum always said to us, "Don't turn out like me and my sisters and brothers". Us 3 sisters have always tried to live by that. Doesn't stop my oldest sister from being a proper bitch. But I've learnt that she's basically insane. So I don't take much notice of the cruel things she says about me anymore.
If I ever have kids, I'll bring them up the way we were raised. Strict, and if they dont like it, tough. I don't tolerate crap from kids. My middle sister is the same. And her boys, aged nine and seven, are properly behaved.

nenni said...

I just wish that my brother hadnt of died and that I could have had someone to talk too while all the bad shit went on.

Michele said...

:( ~hugs Jen~