Secret Liverpool Olympic bid revealed

Secret Liverpool Olympic bid revealed
2012 Olympics

We have recently received a leaked document regarding Liverpool making a shock bid to host the year 2012 Olympic Games. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic committee on their choice of venues for the games in 2012, the organisers of Liverpool's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of their own details which are detailed below.

- Opening Ceremony -A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame.
- The Events -In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.
- 100 Metres Sprint -Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
- 110 Metres Hurdles -As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.
- Hammer -The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
- Weightlifting -From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these items must be taken through a shop door and placed in a mate's van.
- Fencing -Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewelry as possible within 5 minutes.
- Shooting -A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows:

A Moving Police Van
A Post Office Clerk
A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
Their next door neighbour.
The Local Vicar

NB the 4th target to be followed by the ritual cry of "I thought he was a Bizzy" or "He pulled a knife on me"
- Boxing -Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
- Cycling Time Trials -Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home against the clock.
- Cycling Pursuit -As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
- Time Trial -The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
- Modern Pentathlon -Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson.
- The Marathon -A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
- Men's 50km Walk -Q. Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?A. Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
- Relay -Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.
- Archery -Each competitor will be given 3 needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
- Discus -Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time.

In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

- Pillow Eating -The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
- Graffiti -To be decided on whom can spray the most obscenities on a neighbours wall in five minutes.
NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for spelling mistakes.
- Baseball -Each competitor will be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person-standing wins.
- Closing Ceremony -In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged two quid to look after their motor. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shellsuits converge.

The Olympic Flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallywags forming a circle and urinating on it. The closing speech will consist of the words "everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know" and no one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.