On hold

I'm back!

Another update on me (boring, I know)..Still struggling to come to terms with my diagnoses of MS. Will I ever get my head around it? Hopefully.

Life seems to be on hold for now. No working. No moving on to getting a full time job. One good thing. Got my holiday in Cyprus coming up. 2 weeks in the sun will hopefully do me the world of good. Heading there at the end of July. Might not come home!

This seems like a really crap post. As I'm typing it I'm thinking "WTF? STOP AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY!" but I can't help but continue to type utter rubbish. I guess I'll just go find something else to do. Could even think of other posts to make. I could even watch some Supernatural and Vampire Diaries. Which has given me an idea.

I shall return!

Had a bad time

It's been awhile again. I know. Had a rough few weeks...well, months really.

About 3 months ago I started having a wee bit of a bad time. Bad sight in my right eye, dizzy 24/7, people thinking I'm drunk 24/7 because I couldn't walk in a straight line, weird feeling in my legs..So I went to see the doctor. I was in 5 minutes and he said he would refer me to the hospital. I had to go back a few days later to have blood taken.

After an very early start that morning, I headed back home after walking around town with my Gran. My eye felt weird. So I checked it in the mirror. One eye was really small and my left eye was HUGE. The left side of my lip was also droopy and numb. I called the doctors and they asked me to come straight up before they shut for the night.

2 hours later I was in the doctors room and she looked a little worried. After another 15 minutes waiting for her to make some calls, she told me I needed to head straight up to the hospital to the Neurology ward.

After a week of sitting about, having an MRI scan, and a lumber puncture done, my specialist came to see me to tell me I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis). He told me I most likely have Relapsing Remitting MS because they think my first episode was over 10 years ago when I lost the sight in my right eye.

I sit here with the struggle of getting by every day with no car (it broke down before christmas), trying to get use to not being able to walk all that great unless I have a crutch, trying to come to terms with the withdrawl of a good job offer I was just about to have (although I'll still be offered it when I'm a bit better) and trying to get my head around the fact I have MS.

Still not read my booklet, looked at any websites and hardly talk about it. Still not ready. I will have to soon. Need to understand what's going on and what will happen about my holiday that I'm having in July. It'll hit me. How hard, or how soon, I don't know. Got to keep smiling for now. It's the only way I can get by day by day.

4th December 09

I know I haven't written for a while but I've been ultra busy and to be honest, I haven't really wanted to write. So I guess I better pull my finger outta my arse and get motivated.

I ended up putting on 2kg during the mushy stage, I've lost it again just by going onto normal food (early, but I'm not telling the doctor that!) and going back to 3 meals a day. So, I'm back down to 92.5kg. I do feel better, probably because I'm not full of food.

My only problem is, now that the band has healed and the swelling has gone down, it's like I have no restriction whatsoever. I've overeaten so I just hope to Christ I haven't stretched the stomach pouch. I don't think I have, but who knows. I've just got to get my head around eating less. Sometimes I can do it no problem, but sometimes I feel I could eat until I explode. I know it's all in my head but that's my problem. I just can't stop myself. It's like I have a little monster in m y head that keeps pestering me and it won't let up until I satisfy its demands. After that, there's another little monster that berates me to no end because I've let that food monster win. And I feel disgusted with myself.

That's why I really want a fill when I go to see Dr Dolan on Tuesday.l I'm worried that he won't because my port wound still hasn't healed. It's getting better, the nurse is extremely happy with the progress. But knowing my luck he'll refuse to give me a fill until it fully heals. Not happy, Jan.

21st November 09 Day 15

Today was a pretty good day. The head hunger seems to have disappeared. I ate pretty well, the chicken stew was great. Yesterday was a complete fuck up. I ended up eating all of the fish cake mush, about 1 cup full in total. I paid for it afterwards. I was in agony. I felt worse than if I'd eaten more than I usually do when we go to Sizzler. I know I shouldn't have done it, but that's what I was like before the band. I'd eat and suffer the consequences later. Can't do that anymore! I'm looking at it as a positive thing. It just goes to show that I have no choice, I have to change my eating habits or else.

The antibiotics have kicked in. Talk about windy around here! I keep blaming the poor dog. I swear though, prune juice DOES NOT WORK!!! I've been having 1/2 a glass a day and the only way I've been able to "drop a few friends off at the pool" is to take doses of Dad's Actilax.

I know I'll probably say this many times in the future, so here goes the first. Even though I've had to endure a very sore bottom, an infection in the wound, 2 weeks of runny food then 2 weeks of baby food, unbearable back pain, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. In only 2 weeks I'm feeling better than I have in forever. Sometimes I still can't believe I've actually taken that huge step to have the banding done. Me, the ultimate lazybones!

Well, I'm off for my last "meal" of the day. A gorgeous white hot chocolate (99% fat free!!) YUM. Nighty night!!

20th November 09 Day 14

Weigh-In. Last week 94,5kg. This week 93.5kg. Loss 1kg

Well, I'm finally on the "mushies" stage. It's not too bad, I made some fish cakes last night, mushied it up with some gravy, it was delicious. Made a nice chicken and barley stew in the slow cooker today, I'll blitz it nice and smooth. I've got enough food for a few days at least. I miss the Sustagen for breakfast, that stuff was lovely. Half a weetbix just doesn't cut it. I'm finding it hard dealing with the "head hunger". I seem to want to eat all the time. I count down the minutes until I can eat again. I'm being strong though, as much as I could sneak in spoons of food between meals, I'm not. I'm behaving myself and not succumbing to temptation. It's not easy though.

My port wound is still infected. Went to see the GP again today, he took a swab of the gooey bit and sent it off for analysis. So I'm back on antibiotics and the wound is packed and dressed. I go back on Monday to see the nurse and have the dressing changed. I know it's because of the diabetes that the wound is taking so long to heal. I just hope it heals enough so I can have my band filled and I can get over this hungry phase.

The back pain is nearly totally gone, thank fuck. It still hurts sometimes but I think it's because I've been unable to sleep on my stomach.

I suppose 1kg is a better loss than nothing. I realise that some people put weight on during the mushies stage. So I'm preparing myself for that. I'm not too worried, once I get a fill I should start dropping weight again.

Originally written on 13th November 2009

Weigh-in. 94.5kg. Loss - 5.5kg

Friday the 13th! It's been a week since my op. I'm doing a lot better now than I have been. Saturday was fine, I spent most of the day resting but I kept getting up to walk around a bit. Mainly to stop the DVT but also to get rid of the gas from the op. The rest of the week has gone so quickly. I'm actually coping really well with the liquid diet. I found some really nice recipes on the banding forum Jo showed me a while ago. I've been having pureed baked beans mixed with tomato soup. Delicious! I put a bit of paprika, chilli powder and curry powder in it too, it ends up tasting like mexican salsa. I made a cauliflower, broccoli and brie soup last night too. It was okay, not as nice as the beans though. So this is my daily menu (roughly).
Meal 1. 175ml Sustagen hospital formula
Meal 2. Petit Miam made thin with milk OR pureed fruit with apple juice
Meal 3. Soup
Meal 4. Depends if I feel hungry, if I do I'll have some V-8 juice
Meal 5. Soup or egg-flip
Meal 6. Jarrah Choc-O-Lait (before bed)
Plus I'm trying to get as much water/diet cordial in as I can but sometimes it's hard to get a litre a day in. Oh well, I guess it'll improve as time goes by. I can't wait for the "mushies" fortnight, mashed potato and gravy here I come!

I'm not really missing any foods except pasta. I made Dad spinach pie on Tuesday. I could have quite happily murdered for a slice. I just had to keep reminding myself this liquid stage won't last long and I'll be able to eat relatively normally soon, albeit not all the fattening stuff I was eating before. At the moment they're not too worried about what I eat, as long as it can be pureed and thinned down enough so it can be eaten through a straw. Not that I actually eat it through a straw! But I'm not being silly about it. I'm getting in a fair bit of protein and only a small amount of fats and sugars. So I think I'm doing quite well, all things considered.

I'm still in a fair amount of pain in my back. Hot packs and morphine relieve it some of the time. It feels like something is stuck in there. Like I've swallowed a brick and it's stuck in the pipes. If it doesn't get better by Tuesday or Wednesday I'll ring Dr D and see what he says. The abdominal pain is nearly totally gone, so I can finally sleep on my left side. The only thing is, I've got a low grade infection in one of the cuts. Not to worry though, I went to the GP today and he's put me on antibiotics (liquid, yay!) and I'm putting Betadine ointment on 4 times a day. My stomach still resembles a Canadian sunset though. I've never seen so many different shades of bruising!

Well, I think it's time for another hot pack and a white hot choc. I really can't be arsed doing anything tonight so I think I'll just veg in front of the idiot box. HP-Goblet of Fire is on, or maybe I'll shove on a MH disc. Ciao!

Originally written on 7th November 2009

It's 7am, the morning after my surgery. I feel good, except for the pain between my shoulder blades apparently caused by "gas" (not farts!!!) and being really thirsty! Can't even have the tiniest sip of water until the x-rays come back with the all clear. Hopefully that won't be too long. The nurses are aiming for a 12-1pm discharge but they get so busy, bless 'em. It might be later than that.

My surgeon was great. He really put me at ease. Not bad looking, either! Haha! I felt sorry for the poor girls in recovery though, I'm not very nice when I come off the anaesthetic. I did apologise profusely though. Afterwards, thinking about it, I reminded myself acting the way Dad was when he was so sick in April. I guess I am his daughter after all!

I had to have one of those thingys on my finger to test my oxygen levels, not to mention the nasal prongs. At least they're better than the mask! I'm on a saline drip, that'll probably last until I go for the x-rays. Same with the TEDS stockings and the inflatable leg pump thingys that are supposed to stop blood clots. They're not so bad. Feels like a leg massage. I wish I could rip the plasters off and have a bloody good scratch!

The day nurse just came in. She'll change the dressings then take out the drip so I can have a shower. Woohoo! Things are starting to roll!

I've got two room mates. One is a British lady who seems nice but the poor thing can't seem to handle her medications. She's been sleeping a lot, I think they're giving her calmatives. The other lady is probably all of 18, she's sweet but she doesn't look like she needs the band. She's about half my size! Oh well, I don't know her or her situation so I can't comment or judge her.

God, Saturday morning TV sucks!

Gotta go, nursey's here. BBL!!!

Originally written on 24th October 2009

It's 3 days into my 2 weeks of Optifast. 12 days until my operation. I can't believe how quick the time has passed. I'm finding it easy during the day on the shakes, but after dinner is proving to be extremely difficult. I seem to be hungrier after dinner for some reason. It's probably not actually hunger, more like boredom, habit as well. I'd take Sandra's advice and sleep, but Dexter's on at 11pm and I can't miss that. So instead I'm watching Iron Chef. Glutton for punishment? Probably.

Today Dad wanted Red Rooster for lunch. Driving home with the smell of hot chicken and chips in the car nearly sent me insane. How am I gonna handle that? I'm hoping and praying that one day that smell revolts me as much as cigarette smoke does now that I've given up. I'm not as bad as I used to be with takeaway, I used to be really bad with stuff like KFC, but now I prefer to have a Subway. I just tend to eat too much. On the night before I started the Optifast, I made gnocchi for dinner and used pork belly in the sugo. My favourite. But as usual I ate too much. Way too much. It was bloody lovely though, I felt really full after, overfull actually. I don't get that feeling on the Optifast, which is probably a good thing. Apart from when my stomach starts growling. I hope it prepares me for when I have to go on the liquid diet.

I had a stupid thought last night. I was thinking about Christmas, specifically Christmas lunch at Sandra's. I know she'll put on a brilliant spread and I'm not going to be able to enjoy it. Especially my stuffing meatballs. My stupid thought was to ask the doc to postpone my op until after January. Just so I could pig out on Christmas day, and my birthday. But then I thought, that's one of my problems isn't it? Putting things off until later. So yep, I'll still enjoy Christmas, just with smaller portions.

Oh yeah, I forgot the most important thing. Weigh-in. 100kg exactly. I'm hoping to lose at least 30kg and if I get to that, I'll try for 40kg. I don't mind if it takes a year for me to get there. My goal is to be at least a size 12 for my 40th birthday. But I'm not going to overdo it. I'll keep things in perspective.

Just a test

I need to kick myself up the arse and make sure to put things I promise to the top of the list.

Hopefully the label for Luna's diary has worked and moved it to the top of the label list. Makes it's easier for those posts to be found.

A few words from me

I guess it's been awhile again. It's not that I mean to stay away. Just Tribal Wars and Facebook seem to be getting in the way. I need to make a stand and say NO to staying away. YES to more posting and OH HELL YES to Daniel being mean!

I guess I'll start off with telling people about myself again. The name is Jenni. I'm from Scotland and I'm not what I use to be. Sounds strange? Let me explain.

9 years ago, in November, my father passed away of Cancer. A year later it became clear to me that I was a shadow of my former self. I got into lots of trouble, I didn't care for myself much and it began to show. One way was in the form of self harming.

It's now 8 years later and I still struggle day to day but I'm getting better. Last week I went to a Red Dwarf convention. Couple of years ago I would never have been able to attend an event like this. Groups of people in rooms? NO WAY but I'm slowly getting better and I managed no problem.

You'll probably be asking my reason for telling people such personal things. It's to make people aware that individuals with a Mental Health problem CAN make it in the real world with a lot of work and positive thinking. I'm not saying it's always positive. Not at all. I'm struggling every day but there is hope in the horizon. Always speak to people. Make your feelings known and try and keep a smile on your face. It's not easy but it can be done.

ANYWAY, I'm going to stop typing now. Need to check my Tribal Wars to make sure I'm not being attacked by some 13 year old with balls bigger than melons because he thinks he's "hard" being in a successful tribe LOL

Take care and talk soon!

an Ode to the D Man

D, just a letter to some, but it's a letter that is the beginning of a Great name

that is my name of course, My ego needs boosting so I have to do that, anyways Mr. D here with a random message to all those nutcases in this world like me, Stay True, stay nutty, stay insane, as I always say. You have to be Insane to be Sane in this Insane World, my words no others. nenni has tried to kill this blog, But I shall make it thrive with my words of wisdom.

have a nice day.

How annoying

I'm in class again. Still can't look at anything interesting. No Bebo, Facebook, Twitter or Youtube. How am I suppose to fill in my time before finishing? I CAN'T LOOK AT ANYTHING.

Plus I can't Stumble with Firefox. They have gay I.E on these laptops. What I wouldn't give to have Firefox and my StumbleUpon button. Actually...what I wouldn't give to be able to Twitter or play FarmTown on Facebook. IT PASSES TIME. DON'T JUDGE ME!! Oh well. Finishing time!

Hello from the past..

Well, not really. It's just The nenni deciding to make posts on the blog again. I'VE BEEN GONE FOR AGES! Which is such a shame. Put so much time and effort into this blog and have since let it slip.

Well I shall try my best to get it going again. Boring stories shall start again.

Time to go. Class is over.

A Birthday Wish

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIEL!!!

Hope you've had a brilliant day and have many many many more to come!!

P.S You're still mean >=)

2 Tales

Well..if you would call them tales.

I said I would come back and post about my time away in Glasgow, and show pictures of a tour I was booked to attend. Well, disaster struck on Wednesday.

The powers that be decided to torture us with gale force winds in some parts of Scotland and it just so happened to be my town. We got on the bus on time but the winds kept blowing the bus door open while we were driving down the carriage way toward Dundee. What would normally take just about an hour took us about 2 hours, and upon reaching Dundee we were told the bus would need to be fixed. Skip ahead 10 minutes and we're being told we would have to wait until 11am for the next bus to Glasgow. Skip ahead again another 20 minutes and the bus to Glasgow hasn't arrived when it was suppose to (11am). After much rolling of eyes at the guy who wouldn't stop complaining about "Nah makin it hame in time ta ha muh dinner" the bus arrived (which was 20 minutes late)..

We're now on our way to Glasgow but then it dawned on me. We wouldn't make the tour time slot. We wouldn't have made it to Glasgow until after 12pm, and then we would have to check in, and then find the train station, and then find the train to Edinburgh..It just wouldn't have been possible. It's an hour on the train to Edinburgh from Glasgow and we needed to be at The Dungeons between 12.30pm - 3.15pm. There was no way we would make it. So we had to scrap that plan (and the £11.90 I had paid for the tour) until another time when we could come down for a longer stay. To top all this off I felt like complete shit from the bus journey and lack of sleep the night before because of the ass who lives above my flat.

Things ended a little better with a trip to TGI Friday's and their Mac and Cheese bites, and their Jack Daniels sauce on some nice pieces of chicken and then a trip to the local Cinema to watch I am Legend (review to come). I now had to dread the trip home on the bus. Which did make me feel like shit again for the next 2 days. Word of advice...DON'T TRAVEL WITH MEGABUS..Unless you really have to!

My second tale is about my neighbours. It wont be a long post because I had to miss some of the action but in short..Police busted down their door because of drugs. Lots of banging, shouting and swearing..excitement! but I had to leave to go up to my grans. She wouldn't wait. So as I said. I missed most of the action. Who knows..maybe she had an afternoon punter in there? (she is a hooker after all) It's just my luck to have to miss the rest of the excitement. When I came back a council guy was attaching a new door and there was one copper left standing talking to him. I'll have to keep an eye out for any gossip on what happened.

Another year

2008, huh? How's it going for everyone so far? Good? Excellent?
What's that? How's my year been so far? um...ok. I guess. Not earth shattering. Could be better.

I'm finding it just as hard to think of posts for this year as I did for last year. Which means there could be endless pointless posts. I seem to be good at those (like this one!)


OK. What to type about...I can't think of anything. Maybe because I'm too tired to think of anything. Yeah. That's probably it. So I'll end this and make a post later on in the week about my trip to Glasgow on Wednesday.

Anyway..Bye Bye

OH. I could leave you with a vid of me swearing to someone I know online. (just for something to post) Enjoy! EDIT: If anyone is going to look at the vid..don't click the play button in the center of the screen. Click the small one at the bottom. Thanks