Scottish Women

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a landscaper.

Britain's Got Talent

This show started a few days ago and while watching one show, my mother and I couldn't stop laughing. My sides were aching at this one act. Here's a vid of said act called Damon Scott. You really need to watch this!!

Couple of jokes

Just a couple of jokes for you all.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used."

_____________________________________________________________________

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some? I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake?"

Joke of the day

A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample.

He turns up 2 days later with the jar empty

Nurse asks "Why no sample?"
He says "Sorry, but I tried with my right hand and then my left. My wife tried with both hands, her mouth, then with her teeth in and with them out. Ethel from next door tried but it was all no good. We just could not get the fucking lid off the jar!"

World's worst chat-up lines

How many have you used or have been used on you?

-Are you a parking ticket? because you've got fine written all over you
-Do you have a sticking plaster? I just scraped my knee falling for you
-If being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged
-My lips are registered weapons. Do you feel lucky?
-I'm not really this tall, I'm standing on my wallet
-When God made you he was showing off
-If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together
-Now before you run off, I'm not a freak
-There must be something wrong with my eyes. I cant take them off you
-You know what? Your eyes are the same colour as my Porsche
-Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes
-The thing is, you are ugly but you intrigue me
-Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
-I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you
-If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon
-Hey baby, you've got something on your bum....my eyes
-Can I get a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want or Christmas?
-Can you see my pants? Do you want to?
-Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?
-Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here
-Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers
-Would you like to be unique and different? Try saying yes
-Aren't you Tony the Tiger on the frosties' box? because you look grrrreat
-Ten-tonne polar bear...now if that doesn't break the ice, nothing will
-Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
-Would you take a look at those curves? And here's me with no brakes
-I seem to have lost my phone number - can I have yours?
-Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
-Don't go in that building. The sprinklers will go off
-I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth quick
-Hey, you were great on Baywatch last night
-Good news. The test results have come back negative
-Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?
-Hi. I'm Mr Right. Someone said you might have been looking for me
-You've been a bad, bad girl. Now go to my room!
-Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelit dinner later tonight?
-Hello, Cupid called. He says to tell you he needs my heart back
-Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
-Is your name Gillette? because you're the best a man can get
-Know what I like best about you, baby? You haven't CS gassed me yet
-Hi, my name is Fred Flintstone and I'm gonna make your bedrock!
-That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
-Somebody better call God because he must be missing an angel
-If you were a new burger at McDonald's, you would be a McGorgeous

And the best put-downs:-
-Can I buy you a drink?
Actually, I'd rather have the money
-Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice
-How did you get to be so beautiful?
I must have been given your share
-Hey baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter!
-If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing
-Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out
Okay, get out!

Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

5. The "hook-up." Need I say more?

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Brush up your English!

FUCK

Our most versatile word. By its stress and inflection it can describe many emotions. It can be used as a noun (I don't give a fuck), as an objective (It's fucked), as a verb in its transitive form (The game was fucked because of the weather), and in its intransitive form (Well, I'll be fucked), in the present tense (I'm fucked), in the past tense (I was fucked). Many everyday expressions show its true versatility.

DENIAL: I didn't fucking do it.
PERPLEXITY: I know fuck all about it.
APATHY: Who gives a fuck.
GREETINGS: How the fuck are you?
RESIGNATION: Oh fuck it.
DERISION: He fucks everything up.
SUSPICION: Who the fuck are you?
PANIC: Let's get the fuck out of here.
DIRECTIONS: Fuck off.
DISBELIEF: How the fuck did you do that?

The word has been used throughout history by many famous people. Some of the more notable quotations are:

What the fuck was that? The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all those fucking Indians. General Custer
Where's the fucking water coming from? Captain of the Titanic
That's not a real fucking gun. John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck. Donald Campbell
Who's going to fucking know? President Nixon
Heads are going to fucking roll. Ann Boelyn
Who let the fucking woman drive? Captain of the Space Shuttle
I thought I could smell fucking petrol. Nikki Lauda
Any fucker can understand that. Einstein
It fucking looks like her. Picasso
Where the fuck are we? Christopher Columbus
I'm forever blowing fucking Bubbles. Michael Jackson
How the fuck do you work that out? Pythagorus
You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling? Michaelangelo
Fuck a duck. Walt Disney
Why? Because it's fucking there. Sir Edmund Hilary
I don't suppose it's fucking raining...Joan of Arc
I haven't got a fucking clue. Miss Marple
Scattered showers, my fucking arse. Noah

Notice To All Staff Regarding Language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
However, we do realise the importance of staff being able to express properly their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Communications and Planning Department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risking offense to our more sensitive co-workers.

The old phrase will be in bold, the new phrase in italics.

No fucking way - I'm fairly sure that's feasable
You're fucking kidding me - Really
Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by.....?
No prick told me - I wasn't involved in this project
Who fucking cares - Are you sure that's a problem?
Eat shit and die - You don't say
Eat shit and die, motherfucker - You don't say, Sir.
Kiss my arse - So, you'd like me to help you?
He's a fucking prick - He's somewhat insensitive
She's a ball busting bitch - She's an agressive go-getter
You haven't a fucking clue - You could use some more training
This place is fucked - We're a little disorganised today
What sort of fuckwit are you? - You're new here, aren't you?
Fuck off, shithead - Well, there you go
You're a fucking wanker - You're my supervisor and I respect you
Ha, suck eggs - I wasn't there that day
You're fucking paranoid - So, you're from Sydney
You're fucking useless - So, you're from Melbourne
Fuck off - I'll look into it and get back to you
Fuck off, you dickhead - I no longer require your assistance
How do you get this piece of shit to work - I can't use the photocopier
You fucking loser - Gee, that was unfortunate

Dieting Under Stress

This diet was designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day, especially when you have to work.

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice of wholemeal toast, dry
1/2 glass skim milk

LUNCH
1 small lean chicken breast, grilled
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Tim Tam

MID AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of the Tim Tams in the packet
2 litres of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot chocolate fudge
Nuts, cherries, whipped cream

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
Large pepperoni, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large jug beer
3 Milky Way chocolate bars

LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake eaten straight from the freezer.

RULES FOR THIS DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a Diet Coke with a chocolate, the calories in the chocolate are cancelled out by the Diet Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories do not count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecakes.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Jaffa's, Mars Bars, Smarties, etc.
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories, the process of breaking up the biscuit causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of making something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon.
9. Foods that have the same colour have the same calorie value. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

The American Indian

(I've updated this one)

Barbara Walters was doing a 20/20 special on the American Indians.
She was interviewing Indians on a reservation, her escort was a brave with ONE feather in his head-dress. She asked him why he had only one feather. "Me only have one squaw, so me only have one feather" he answered.
Feeling that he might be joking, she asked a brave who had FOUR feathers in his head-dress, and he replied "Me sleep with four squaws, that's why me have four feathers".
Ms Walters was not convinced, so she asked the Chief, who had a head-dress full of feathers. The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief! Me fuck 'em all - big, fat, short and tall, me fuck 'em all!"
Horrified, Ms Walters exclaimed, "You ought to be hung!"
"You damn right me hung! Big like buffalo, long like snake." he retorted.
Ms Walters cried, "You don't have to be hostile."
"Hoss style, dog style, wolf style, me fuck 'em all!" he commented.
With tears in her eyes, Ms Walters sobbed, "Oh dear."
The Chief looked shocked. "No deer! No fuck 'em deer! Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!"

REVENGE OF THE BLONDES

The only problem with women is men.
Women like the simple things in life - like men.
Boys will be boys, but one day all girls will be women.
When a woman makes a fool of a man, it's usually an improvement.
Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, then they marry him.
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk.
The average man is proof that women can take a joke.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?
A widower.
They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there?
What's an orgasm, Mum?
I don't know, luv. Ask your father.
If you catch a man, throw him back.
What do you call 500 men at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.
Men call us "birds". Is that because of all the worms we pick up?
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy, by remaining a bachelor.
What is the useless bit of skin on the end of a penis called?
A man.

That Christmas Spirit

You'll need a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, 2 cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality: pour one level cup and drink - repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoontea of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and adddd to the bowl and chick in the cup of dried friut, mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriber. Sample the whisky again to check for tonsisticity.

Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and check your nuts. Add one babblespoon of drown sugar, or whatever colour you find. Wix mell. Greasse the oven. Turn the cake pan to 350 gredees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Whonny Jalker

Just A Little Joke

I dont normally care for bulletins on myspace. I hardly pay attention to most of them and I only ever post a few. I found this in a bulletin and just thought I had to post it for everyone to see. So Enjoy!

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Secret Liverpool Olympic bid revealed

Secret Liverpool Olympic bid revealed
2012 Olympics

We have recently received a leaked document regarding Liverpool making a shock bid to host the year 2012 Olympic Games. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic committee on their choice of venues for the games in 2012, the organisers of Liverpool's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of their own details which are detailed below.

- Opening Ceremony -A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame.
- The Events -In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.
- 100 Metres Sprint -Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
- 110 Metres Hurdles -As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.
- Hammer -The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
- Weightlifting -From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these items must be taken through a shop door and placed in a mate's van.
- Fencing -Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewelry as possible within 5 minutes.
- Shooting -A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows:

A Moving Police Van
A Post Office Clerk
A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
Their next door neighbour.
The Local Vicar

NB the 4th target to be followed by the ritual cry of "I thought he was a Bizzy" or "He pulled a knife on me"
- Boxing -Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
- Cycling Time Trials -Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home against the clock.
- Cycling Pursuit -As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
- Time Trial -The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.
- Modern Pentathlon -Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson.
- The Marathon -A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.
- Men's 50km Walk -Q. Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?A. Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.
- Relay -Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.
- Archery -Each competitor will be given 3 needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.
- Discus -Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time.

In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

- Pillow Eating -The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
- Graffiti -To be decided on whom can spray the most obscenities on a neighbours wall in five minutes.
NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for spelling mistakes.
- Baseball -Each competitor will be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person-standing wins.
- Closing Ceremony -In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged two quid to look after their motor. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shellsuits converge.

The Olympic Flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallywags forming a circle and urinating on it. The closing speech will consist of the words "everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know" and no one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.

Funny?

A little message for some people who might do both of these things *smug face* There's one person I know who visits here and he should take notice of this pic. Although I know he'll laugh at it.

song for the girls

For all the females out there. You've probably seen it before but here ya go!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now..GO!, Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

Universal truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
16) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
17) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
18) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
19) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
20) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
21) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
22) You never ever run out of salt.
23) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
24) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
25) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
26) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
27) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
28) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
29) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
30) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
31) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
32) Bricks are horrible to carry.
33) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
34) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.

For Pet Owners

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
--canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our
Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off thefurniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Joke of the Day

JELLYBEANS
A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his Mum
was watching him.
The kid had a bag of jellybeans. He put one in his mouth, ate it,
grabbed the cat and bit it.
Then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his
mouth, ate it, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step.
His mum wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him.
"I'm playing truckies," said the kid. "Poppin pills, eating pussy and
movin'on."

Joke from DaNi3L

first off sorry havn't done anything here in quite a bit, been so lazy

anyways

Things I have done, and some I am going to do Friday at work
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, Ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling
Diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Bottom."

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream, "I Won! I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."