A few words from me

I guess it's been awhile again. It's not that I mean to stay away. Just Tribal Wars and Facebook seem to be getting in the way. I need to make a stand and say NO to staying away. YES to more posting and OH HELL YES to Daniel being mean!

I guess I'll start off with telling people about myself again. The name is Jenni. I'm from Scotland and I'm not what I use to be. Sounds strange? Let me explain.

9 years ago, in November, my father passed away of Cancer. A year later it became clear to me that I was a shadow of my former self. I got into lots of trouble, I didn't care for myself much and it began to show. One way was in the form of self harming.

It's now 8 years later and I still struggle day to day but I'm getting better. Last week I went to a Red Dwarf convention. Couple of years ago I would never have been able to attend an event like this. Groups of people in rooms? NO WAY but I'm slowly getting better and I managed no problem.

You'll probably be asking my reason for telling people such personal things. It's to make people aware that individuals with a Mental Health problem CAN make it in the real world with a lot of work and positive thinking. I'm not saying it's always positive. Not at all. I'm struggling every day but there is hope in the horizon. Always speak to people. Make your feelings known and try and keep a smile on your face. It's not easy but it can be done.

ANYWAY, I'm going to stop typing now. Need to check my Tribal Wars to make sure I'm not being attacked by some 13 year old with balls bigger than melons because he thinks he's "hard" being in a successful tribe LOL

Take care and talk soon!

More mental health

When I say more, I mean more trying to be laid on me. I mentioned to Luna early today that a friend of the family is trying to tell me I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) all because I wasnt happy that the rug in the livingroom wasnt straight enough. She says it's also because I can be quite anal about certain things.

I'm a lazy person when it comes to certain things. I admit that I dont always take pride in everything I do/own but when it comes to little things, they have to be perfect. A folder...everything has to be neat, the same size. I even get anal if a letter isnt written the right way. Does that really mean I have OCD? Are people too quick in giving someone a label of OCD or any other mental health problem? I totally understand that people have mental health problems around the world. Some more aggressive than others. I just think that some problems are 'forced' on people.

I have been told I have a mental health problem. For a long time I would self harm and even though I've not harmed myself in awhile, I still struggle everyday with the urge. It's a day to day battle, and on top of that, I have a eating disorder too. To also be told I have OCD on top of my struggle isnt something I want to hear. Maybe I do have a slight OCD problem but for someone to come out and say "you need help for this, stat" just makes me think even more that we throw around sayings without giving it a second thought.

Self Harm

I've been asked to write a post about a very serious topic that someone very very close to me has been effected by. I wont say in this post who it is. If anyone would like to know, then you can ask me personally.

"Most of my life, I have been a very level headed person, took everything that was thrown at me with a pinch of salt and been very outgoing with other people. Something happened to me a few years ago, that threw that all up in the air and made me question who is was and why I was here. Suddenly, my attitude changed and it seemed others attitudes towards me changed too. I was hurting inside so much and no one close to me seemed to understand. I cant recall the first time I took a blade to my arm and cut myself, but after that day, I would cut myself every week or two but then it became every few days and then every day. I started to realise that some of my friends were just using me for money and because I had a car and for some reason, I couldnt say anything about it. So because of this, I would cut myself. My mum would leave me for weeks to bugger off somewhere with her boyfriend. I really needed her but she didnt seem to care, which made me cut myself. Taking a blade to my arm didnt make everything better in the long run but it made ME feel better about things. It was a release for me. The pain and blood was my release from the bad shit."

"Not one person knew what I was doing. For a whole year I would wear jumpers/sweaters to cover my arms, I wouldnt let people touch me, I sometimes wouldnt even go outside. I would end up with really deep cuts but I wouldnt ask for help. I would patch them up as best I could and then act as if I were normal. The day people found out, was the day I was kicked out by my mum. I went to stay with some good friends and forgot to cover my arm up when I went to the kitchen. They begged me to seek help and I said I would but I didnt. I carried on self harming. I finally realised that it wasnt helping me. That I needed real help. So I went to the doctor. Since then, I've never looked back. I havent self harmed in over 3 years but let me tell you...it's hard as hell not to go down that road again. I've learned that if things get really hard for me, if I feel that I really need to cut my arm..that I should find something else to take my mind off it. A good way is to either put on a comedy dvd or switch the PS2 on. Sometimes even reading a book can help wonders."

"Anyone reading this that self harms or knows someone who does, tell them to get help but remember..They have to want the help. You cant force someone to clean themselves up. You need to be there to support them as much as you can! I've had people tell me that what I did was 'pathetic' and 'stupid'. That's not anyone wants to hear, let alone someone who self harms. Those words made me worse. I'm including some links for sites that can help people. If you self harm, please read them. You'll realise that you're not alone. There are millions for people like you out there. I was one. I still am, in a way. Learn about it and understand it. It just might help you."

UK: Self Harm Info, Self Harm Links, Online Self Injury Help, The National Self Harm Network
America: selfinjury.com, selfinjury.org
Australia: Better Health
New Zealand: headspace.org
(if anyone would like to talk with me about it all, you can either leave a comment here or email me at nenni@stormirc.net)